


Looking for my heart

by Gaybianb



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1980s, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, College, I'm new to this how do I tag, M/M, Mutual Pining, Neil Perry (Dead Poets Society) Lives, Neil Perry POV, New York, POV Alternating, POV Todd Anderson, Past Relationship(s), Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:55:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27943373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gaybianb/pseuds/Gaybianb
Summary: The first time Neil read the letters on his wrist, he was dazzled to say the least“A sweaty toothed mad man”How could these be the most important words his soulmate would ever say? What did they even mean? Would it be an insult she would throw at him? Would it be some kind of inside joke? Or something completely different? Neil didn’t know.OrAnderperry soulmate AU where the most important words you will hear from your soulmate are written on your wrist. Also Neil doesn't die but looses touch with the dead poets until they find each other in New York.
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 13
Kudos: 77





	1. A sweaty toothed mad men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello welcome to me writing this fic as a cope mecanism for many things. I hope you like it ^^ and please forgive me if there are any mistakes, English is not really my first language and I am very new to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello welcome to me writing this fic as a cope mecanism for many things. I hope you like it ^^ and please forgive me if there are any mistakes, English is not really my first language and I am very new to this.

The first time Neil read the letters on his wrist, he was dazzled to say the least  
“A sweaty toothed mad man”  
How could these be the most important words his soulmate would ever say to him? What did they even mean? Would it be an insult she would throw at him? Would it be some kind of inside joke? Or something completely different? Neil didn’t know.

  
He saw his soulmate mark for the first time the morning his sixteenth birthday and for the months to come, spent hours wondering what the strange sentence would mean. A part of him wanted to theorize on it with one of his friends but was never able to. Partially because Wellton academy had a strict policy of forbidding any soulmate related subject to be talked about or even mentioned, while his parents never cared for it. The boy actually thought his parents weren’t even soulmates to each other.

  
Everything Neil knew about soulmates, he learned from his friend Knox who very often dreamed and romanticize about this one day, when he hears his soulmates most important words and “everything changes”.

Neil and some of his friends were able to have one of their few conversations about soulmates the afternoon of his sixteenth birthday.

  
“What do you mean you mean you don’t understand your soulmate mark?” Charlie asked mouth full of cake. “Nothing” Neil answered, “It’s just… the sentence makes no sense.”  
“Why? Let me see!” Charlie added before Knox stopped him and nearly yelled  
“No! You can’t show it to people!”  
“Please” Charlie pouted  
“I’m telling you it’s bad luck.”  
“Oh, you mean like… saying you found your soulmate every time you have a new crush?”  
“I… That’s not” Knox stammered.  
“Okay so Neil, show me?”  
“Don’t you dare!”  
“I think I’d rather follow Knox’s advice for now” Neil said to Charlie not wanting to see his best friend make fun of his mark.  
“Fine. But I will ask you again, one day, when this guy’s not around” Charlie promised pointing at Knox who pushed his finger back.  
“Why do you want to read it anyway, it’s not like you believe in soulmates.”  
“Hey when did I say that?”  
“I don’t know, maybe when you always tell me to shut up about them?”  
“I ask you to shut up ‘cause you talk too much not because I don’t “believe”.” Charlie explained, air quoting the last word while Knox rolled his eyes.  
“But of course, I want to find my soulmate, as long as they like me doing what I want especially when it’s dangerous.”  
“That would make her pretty dumb.”  
“Still, they would be pretty. Oh, and they need to hate Cameron.”  
Neil continued to listen and laugh at his friends’ banter until he had to go back to his room to study for his last chemistry exam.

If he was honest with himself, Neil had trouble believing in soulmates, there was so much he didn’t understand about them. After all, soulmates were not an exact science, just black letters on your skin with no context, no time indication. It wasn’t a math problem that could always be solved. It could be nothing to some and everything to others.

  
The brunette quickly told himself there was no point thinking about it so much. Like acting, soulmates were nothing more than a silly fantasy.

  
Until it wasn’t…

Neil quickly put his attention on his new schoolyear. One with a new English teacher and a new roommate.

Todd Anderson was a new student at his school, a blue eyed, dirty blond, very shy and, Neil couldn’t help but think, ridiculously cute boy. The brown eyed boy was quickly intrigued by the other student. He wanted to know as much as possible about this new person in his life but tried hard not to be insistent, doing his best to be patient instead.  
He quickly got to see more of Todd behind the shadow his brother must have put him under, and Neil couldn’t help feeling this new longing he never felt before. He doesn’t remember thinking of boys in a similar way before, but, if Neil was honest with himself, he never thought about girls the way Knox or Charlie did.

  
Realizing this made him panic at first. Does this mean his soulmate will be a boy? What would his father say? Would it make his mother cry? Could he and his soulmate ever be together? But then his eyes would meet Todd’s and he didn’t know why he should care about this.

At the same time Neil was also discovering and falling in love with poetry thanks to his English teacher Mr. Keating. Something about his classes woke up a light of hope and passion the brunette didn’t know had been inside him.

  
When the teacher started to read Shakespeare to his students, he started to think about his hidden passion for acting. What if he tried it? Seized the day before having to live up to all his father’s expectation? The day he saw the poster for A Midnight summers dream, the aspiring actor didn’t think, just decided to do it. Which is why he was hurt when Todd wasn’t as enthusiastic about the idea.

  
Of course, Neil knew his roommate had a point when he told him he was crazy, that he should think about it, but he didn’t want to hear it especially when nothing could indicate he would get the part. He just wanted to do something he genuinely cared about.  
And Neil knew, he and Todd were very different in a lot of ways. However, he was still frustrated that the other boy never seemed to be affected by Mr. Keating’s word. Never trying to do anything about it. The brunette was not going to his favorite blond alone, not if he could have a say in it.  
So, when Todd told him to just butt out, Neil looked at him with one of his widest grins and insistently replied:  
“No.”

A few days later the students had to read an original peace of poetry during English class and when Todd was called by Mr. Keating Neil found the dirty blond lying about not writing when he recently found the other boy writing one in his notebook.  
Instead of dismissing the quiet student, Mr. Keating did something unexpected trying to wake up something he saw in Todd, made him “yawp” then asked his student to describe a picture of Walt Whitman that was located over the black board.

  
That’s when he heard it.

  
“A sweaty toothed mad man.”

  
Neil’s blood ran cold at the words and chills when through his spine as he saw Todd spinning, showing this new side of himself. One he could see has been there, hidden inside, all along.

  
“You push it, stretch it—it’ll never be enough. Kick at it, beat it—it will never cover any of us…”

  
Did Todd really just come up with that? Something in Neil related with the other boys’ words. They didn’t only reveal truths about Todd, they were familiar to the brunette and the world they all knew. And as he watched blue eyed boy finish the most beautiful poem he has ever heard, he knew.

  
Todd Anderson was his soulmate.

And it didn’t matter the words on Neil wrists were not meant for him, that that they were nonsensical without the rest of the poem, it didn’t even matter that he was scared to death. All that mattered was the way his newfound soulmates smiled when the rest of the class applauded and Mr. Keating instructed Todd to never forget this moment and as Todd nodded as an answer, Neil knew for sure he won’t either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this first chapter the next one will be in Todd's pov and their relationship in Wellton.  
> Also this is set in the 80's all I know from the 60's is bad and I didn't want it to be a modern fic either.  
> ps: I edited it because I'm an idiot who forgot to reread the chapter before posting.


	2. What do yo mean no?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Todd found his soulmate when he never thought he ever would

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thank you so much for all the love I've received for my first chapter. I hope you'll enjoy this one just as much.

Todd used to think he would never find his soulmate.

  
Not that he didn’t believe in them. It’s more that the thought of one day finding someone that would love and see him was impossible for him to visualize. Would he even deserve that? After all, how could anyone love him when even his family didn’t?  
His brother Jeffrey had found his soulmate during his first year at Harvard and always told him not to worry about it, but the brother was missing two important pieces of information about Todd.

  
First, his soulmate mark was nothing more than a commonly used two letter word:  
“No.”  
A word that everyone around him used a lot. How was he supposed to distinguish his soulmates no from a regular no? It was a word that he never saw as positive, something that only made him feel worse about himself and more alone. Todd’s most logical guess was that the most important thing would say would be the “pretending to be straight” man rejecting his love.  
That was the other thing, no matter how hard it was to accept, Todd knew he could never fall in love with a girl like Jeffrey did. Especially not when his roommate was the smart, daring and gorgeous Neil Perry.

When his parents decided to make him transfer to Wellton Academy, his anxiety went through the roof. Not only was this an all-boys prep school where he wouldn’t know anyone, it would also be a school where Todd would live in his brothers’ old shadow, his teachers might expect to be as confident and excelling as the Anderson that came before him. This fear seemed to be confirmed at first, with remarks from Mr. Nolan, Neil and his friend Charlie Dalton on his first day. Though his new friends ended up seeing quickly past his brothers’ reputation, especially his roommate.

  
Neil was the first person to ever want to know him, who he really was. It was thanks to him that Todd became friends with Charlie, Knox, Cameron, Meeks, Pitts and that he could attend the dead poet society meetings without having to read something at loud, one of his greatest fears.  
And strangely enough, Neil wasn’t the only one wanting to get him out of his shell. Mr. Keating looked at him like he could see through him, like he knew this quiet student of his had a hidden love for he rarely employed because, he was scared. Every time Todd would write something personal on a piece of paper, there was a voice inside his head telling him to stop, that it pointless and stupid so he would always end up scrunching the paper and throw it away before going back to his homework.  
But he can’t escape writing when it is his homework.

  
Unless…

  
Unless his crush comes in their shared room to share his newfound dream with him. Getting angry and insistent wanting him to be more stirred up by things  
But Todd didn’t need any help, he didn’t want to get out of his shell. Not when the world was so scary, cruel and lonely. When he told Neil to just butt out, he didn’t expect any answer, he certainly did not expect the other boy to tell him,  
“No”  
Todd’s thirst thought hearing him was that Neil just said the word on his soulmate mark. His second was that it had to just be a coincidence.  
“What do you mean no?” He asked still unsure of what was going on.  
That’s when the beautiful brunette looked at him with the widest grin and repeated,  
“No.”  
And he finally knew what this meant. It meant that Neil saw him, saw who Todd really was, that he could be himself around him and that he was there for him.  
And Neil…

  
Just stole his notebook out of nowhere. Before he could register what had just happened, Cameron came in with a bunch of other classmates and he and Neil were having fun annoying the hell out of the redhead instead.

Todd tried to forget what happened, tried to focus on his poem instead. But he still hated everything he wrote, the voice still saying everything inside of him was worthless. When he had to show a poem in class, he lied, said he didn’t do it, expecting his teacher to grumble about it, maybe punish him but, lately people had trouble doing what Todd expected of them. Instead, Mr. Keating believed in him and made him make something on the spot, reassuring him not to care the other students. He was literally spinning on himself and creating a poem without thinking and people liked it, his classmates clapping and whistling when he was done.

Todd had spent the rest of the day writing, during class, even went back to his room the minute classes were over to continue writing and he never throwed anything away.

  
Time flied and he only stopped when Neil entered the room, making him jump in the process.  
“Hey! There you are. I’ve been looking for you forever.” The other boy said sitting next to him on the bed.  
“Sorry”  
“Don’t apologize” Neil chuckled.  
There was something weird in the way he was acting. Not “I just talked to my father weird” but something else was clearly bothering him, so much he was almost shaking and looking at everything but Todd.  
“Are you okay” Todd asked  
“Yeah. I just… I loved what you said in English class, your poem about Walt Whitman.” Todd’s heart clenched at that.  
“You did?”  
“Yes!” Neil insisted placing his hand close enough close enough to brush Todd’s. “You could be an amazing writer.”  
“Maybe I should be.”  
Todd’s heart was now dancing his chest. Neil was looking at him like he was the only thing in this world and now he was the one who couldn’t look the other in the eye.  
“Todd, I think…”  
“What do you think of soulmates” Todd blurted out.  
“What”  
“I was just wondering… We’ve never talked about it… I know we’re not allowed to here but… I need to ask you.”  
Neil laughed nervously,  
“I just found mine.”  
“Oh.” Shit, Todd really wanted to disappear right now. “That’s great!”  
“You know it’s kind of funny,” Neil looked at him “You spend so much time not understanding the words on your wrist or anything about soulmates, and then one day you finally hear it and you realize, all this time, he was right under your nose.”  
Todd nodded uncapable of stopping himself from staring at Neil’s lips. When did they get this close?  
“So… Who is it?”  
Neil’s grin grew wider as he put a hand on Todd’s cheek.  
“It’s you.”

  
Before he could even think of an answer, Todd was being kissed by Neil Perry and everything started spinning again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Voila! Now time to watch another 80s movie on Netflix and relax from a long week of adding a lot of writing to the amont of work I already have. Hope you enjoyed the reading and thank you for any kudos/ comment they really mean a lot to me.


	3. I was wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Todd and Neil are happy soulmates until reality comes to them like "No happy gays!" (I'm to lazy to come up with a better summary)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: this chapter talks about suicide, in this case Neils attempt.  
> It starts with Todd's Pov until he founds out about Neil and then goes to Neil's pov when he wakes up in the hospital.  
> I'm not sure why but I kinda just decided to post this today so I wrote and edited the Neil scene today. Also if you need this I love you! You are valid, you are important, you make an impact in this world and I know things can get really bad, but this year is soon gonna be over and it does get better, though it can take a while, it is always worth it <3

Todd often struggled to believe how happy he was in a school all its students nicknamed ‘Hellton’. But when he had an English teacher making everyone discover the beauties of life and poetry, his friends in the dead poet society and was falling asleep in his soulmate’s arms everyone, he could finally stop thinking.  
It’s something he did a lot, he was used to think about everything that worries him until his head hurt and he was starting to feel sick to his stomach.

But with Neil beside him, all this ‘everything’ started to feel simple, things made sense and Todd could learn to enjoy the life he led. And when things got bad, when his parents reminded him how little they cared for his birthday or when Neil would get a phone call from his father, they knew how to make each other feel better. By throwing out desk sets or reading lines and spending some time alone in their room holding each other, kissing until completely out of breath.

  
The two never told anyone each other, maybe some of their friends were aware of how close the two really were but, if they were, they never showed it. Todd and Neil just kept their relationship to themselves, scared of reality. At least Todd was, he never asked Neil how he felt, not when the other boy was finally able to live acting out all the love and passion he used to keep inside.

  
That’s when reality decided to come back.

The night before the play, Neil wasn’t back in their room until late at night. Todd knew why, he saw Mr. Perry in the hall when he was walking around with Nuwanda, and it only made him more worried. Neil came back almost an hour after curfew and Todd wanted to get up, throw himself on him, tell him everything will be okay, that he is here and that he always will be.   
Instead, he just sat up on his bed and asked:

  
“Hey. Are you okay?”  
“Not really” Neil walked forward to sit on the radiator, “My dad found out about the play.”  
“Yeah, I saw him earlier.”  
“Are you going to tell me you warned me?”  
Todd looked at Neil, his eyes seemed red and tired, looking out at the window.  
“Neil… Of course not.”  
“Why? You were right… He was so mad.”  
Todd got up to get closer to him.  
“No, I was wrong. You love acting so much, you should be allowed to do whatever you want.”  
“But I won’t.”  
Neil’s eyes got bleak, not looking at anything anymore.  
“Come here.” Todd whispered, pulling his soulmate into a hug. Holding him for as long as Neil needed.  
“We should really go to bed” He advised, hand still burrowed in the other boys’ brown hair, “You still have your play tomorrow.”

  
Neil looked at him with a surprised but thankful look. God, Todd would do anything for this man. They went to bed, the dirty blond holding his soulmate dear to his chest, neither of them slept that night.

  
But Todd barely slept the night right after either.  
Neil had to leave nearly right after the play without being able to say goodbye or any indication he would come back. 

Todd was left alone in a dark room thinking again, thinking about all the things he didn’t get to say to his soulmate. How his performance was incredible, that he was proud of him and that he loved him. That’s when he realizes, he never got to tell this to Neil, they never said “I love you” to each other or showed their soulmate marks to discover what were the most important words they heard the other say. Assuming they would someday, in the future. But, what if now, they never will?

  
Todd tried to his thoughts away from all of this, he could already sense his thoughts starting to get overwhelmed. That’s when he was suffocated by an inexplicable shot of pain on his shoulder and he couldn’t think much anymore, the last thing that his brain was a wish that Neil would be okay and would come back and Todd passed out.

Todd was woken up by Charlie gently shaking him which he didn’t think of until noticing the tears that rested on his friend’s cheeks and the rest od the dead poets standing near the doorway.

  
“What?” He muttered still half asleep,  
“Neil tried to kill himself. We don’t know if he’s alive.”  
Todd started shaking at Charlie’s words.  
“What do you mean? Why not?” He begged, voice breaking,  
“They won’t tell us.”  
Todd sat up on his bed, feeling everything around him shaking with him. He didn’t want to believe it, his soulmate couldn’t be dead, wouldn’t he know if Neil was dead? He checked his wrist, hoping for an answer, the “No” was gone.

** Neil’s POV**

When Neil woke up, his body was hurting everywhere mostly his left shoulder, which was covered in bandages. It took him a while to register where he was, he wasn’t with Todd in their room at Wellton or his room at his parent’s house, he was in a hospital room.

  
That’s when he remembered what had happened last night and that he wasn’t supposed to be alive. Neil had wanted to die, he almost did, but he survived. And he didn’t know how to feel about it. He wanted to live, but he wanted to live as himself not as his father’s puppet, doing what was decided for him when he couldn’t think for himself. And nothing would change his father’s desires, it didn’t matter how miserable he was, how badly he hated it, he’ll never be heard.

  
Neil looked around him and realized he wasn’t alone, two nurses were sitting not far away from him, one was a tall Caucasian woman and a small Hispanic man.  
“Good afternoon Neil, how are you feeling?” The woman gently asked him.  
“Fine, I guess… my shoulder really hurts.”  
“Very well. I will let your doctor know you’re awake” She added before leaving the room.

  
The nurse came back about fifteen minutes later with a middle-aged doctor, who asked multiple questions, about how he was feeling, what happened, why he did it and went through what he said was a routine physical evaluation.  
During the examination, Neil’s attention drifted to his wrist, it was blank.

The soulmate mark, Todd’s verse, it was gone, and he realizes only now that dying had meant leaving his soulmate behind. His sweet, shy, careful, poetic and overthinking, Todd he loved so much. If soulmate mark was gone, what did it mean for them? Did he lose him? Forever? Will he ever see him again?  
After he was done, the doctor informed Neil his parents will come in shortly and the fear at that he felt only added to the weight of his heart.   
He really didn’t want to face what had made him want to end it all in the first place but still waited anxiously for them until they came into the room.

  
His father was clenched on himself, unable to look at his son and his mother was in tears. Immediately going to him and holding him when she saw him, crying about how scared she was, that he was okay now and that she loved him. Neil didn’t listen to anything his father had to say, he just focused on his mother, trying to hold her back with the arm he could still use.   
He will not live for his father, but he won’t leave someone that loves him again this way before trying to find another way out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be in Neil's pov, it will be the last one before they're all "happy" college students in New York.  
> I have to go to bed and I hope you didn't h;ate reading this (I still have no idea what I am doing) and I always love any kudos or comment you're willing to send my way


	4. Neil's bohemia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After his attempt, Neil is sent to a mental hospital where he learns what his future could actually become.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: this chapter does have mentions of scuicide  
> This chapter is longer and does contain the first scene I ever wrote for this fic. I weirdly like it so please enjoy.  
> Also the charater of Pete is greatly inspired by Peter Simmons from Bare a pop opera.

“What about you?”  
“What do you mean?” Neil asked the doctor.

He had been sent to a facility for “troubled people” a few days ago after getting out of the hospital for his attempt and this was his second meeting with Dr Johnston. He hated the way the doctors here have been looking at him and he wasn’t sure how any of it was supposed to help. Especially when he was already trapped in a future he didn’t choose.  
“Who do you want to be?” Dr Johnston replied,  
“It doesn’t matter” Neil shook his head, looking away.  
“Why not?”

Neil was around six years old the first time his father told him that his son will have to become a doctor, it’s his first memory. It was during thanksgiving and his aunt was there asking him all the questions you could ask a kid. 

He can still picture her wide smile when she asked him what he wants to be when he grows up, he has no idea what he told her but will never forget his father laughing at it before saying,  
“He’s being a silly child. My son will be a doctor.”

  
That Christmas, his parents gave him a Kids Medical Kit, it became clear to Neil, there won’t be any other choices or possibilities. He was six when he stopped dreaming of who he could become.  
He also started to attend Wellton academy where he met Charlie and Knox. All three of them grew up with their parents choosing their future and were attending a school telling them who they had to be now. Before Mr. Keating, Neil never thought about who he was and would become, everyone had always decided for him.  
But what was the point of discovering yourself if you won’t ever be able to do something about it?

“Neil?” the doctor called.  
“Mmh?” Neil looked back at them, he got lost in his memories and didn’t hear the doctor’s question.  
“I asked you, why would you think it doesn’t matter?”  
“Because… Because even if I had a clear idea of what I wanted, I already lost everything that mattered, and my father is still forcing me to become a doctor. If I try to do something I enjoy or if I find something I love… He’ll just take it away from me, like I said he already has.”

  
The doctor stayed quiet for a little before asking,  
“Does this have with your performance as Puck in the play?”  
“Yes. But it’s not just that. I also lost someone; I mean… All my friends at Wellton, I didn’t even say goodbye! Now… I doubt I will ever see them again.”  
“Maybe you should write them a letter.”  
“I can’t do that! My father already checks all my mail.”  
“You don’t have to send it. But if you could say goodbye, what would you tell them?”  
Neil thought about that for a little, writing seemed like a good idea. He was not as talented of a writer as Todd, but it could make him feel better.

The session ended not even a few minutes later and after he left, Neil started to feel sick again, he started feeling this huge weight on his chest thinking about what would come next, after he gets out. His knees felt weak and he went to sit on the floor of the hall and closed his eyes.   
He stayed like this for a while unable to get up and move along.

  
“Hey, you okay? You don’t look good.”  
Neil looked up and noticed a slim young man with strawberry blond hair standing in front of him. He had talked to him before his name was Pete and he was a volunteer at the institute.  
“I don’t know anymore” Neil admitted  
“Well, since when does anyone know everything?” Pete noted sitting next to him, “Do you want to talk about it with someone who’s not trying to fix you?”

  
Neil breathed and started talking about his last therapy session, then he started to talk about acting, Wellton, Mr. Keating, the dead poet society, Todd and then drifted to his father, Harvard, and his attempt. Pete just listened, never interrupted him and it felt good to have someone truly listen, who looked like they understood. He finished talking and already felt a little better but also having the urge to apologize for talking.

  
“Thanks, for listening to me ranting about all this stuff.” He said instead  
“Hey, it’s always good to talk about it, and not just to with a doctor.” Pete reassured him, “I’ve actually been through some similar stuff in High School.”  
Neil turned to look at him “Really?”  
Pete nodded

“My school was a catholic prep school like yours but mixed and they were super homophobic, we were all taught that homosexuality was a sin, so everyone hated queers, even my boyfriend did.”  
Both chuckled at the las t comment,  
“Anyway, I couldn’t be myself at the time. All I did, I did to make my mother proud hoping my father might notice me. They all wanted me to go to Notre Dame, including my boyfriend at the time.”  
“Notre Dame… you mean the college?”  
“Yeah. But I told them I didn’t get in so I could go to Brown instead.”  
“Well, that’s great for you. But I can’t do that. I can’t lie to my dad anymore” Neil pleaded, “I have to go to medical school and that’s ten years, I can’t get out I…”  
“Hey Neil, try to breathe” Pete interrupted calmly, putting his arm on Neil’s shoulder, “Look I know it’s hard to believe, but you’re going to be okay.”  
“No, I won’t!” Neil cried  
“Yes, you will. You know what happens after high school?”  
“Harvard Medicine school.”  
“Life! That’s when it truly begins, you leave your parents, and you can do whatever you want. Move to big city to become an actor and a part time waiter if that’s what you want.”  
Neil stared at Pete like he was the one in an asylum.  
“I can’t do them. They’ve sacrificed so much for me to be able to go.”  
“Including your own happiness?”

  
Neil was speechless, the future Pete was showing him could possibly be real, he heard Mr. Keating saying something similar about turning 18. And yet, it seemed impossible.

  
“Look Neil, you’re a good kid. And if you want to live as yourself, you can. Even though it is going to be hard, and it will take time and planning things through. I can help you with that. You’re not imprisoned in this life forever. You just need to find the key.”  
“Why would you help me, we just met.”  
“Well, you’re not the only one to have lost a soulmate.”  
“What do you mean?”

  
Pete stayed silent and Neil started reflecting on the way the other boy had listened to him, understanding everything he meant. It wasn’t just about Pete’s experience.

  
“Shit. It was the boyfriend wasn’t it?” He didn’t need an answer, Pete stayed silent for a while until saying  
“Anyway… Want to start thinking on what to do after you get out?”

  
Neil smiled and the two spent the rest of the day talking planning and growing closer as friends.

  
  
That night Neil was writing when he discovered that his soulmates words were back on his wrist, or at least were coming back. They were extremely faded but still, they were visible again. And Neil decided that if there was ever a chance he could live happily as himself, possibly with Todd, he could get through the waiting and planning for it.

With Pete’s help, Neil started fighting again. He got out of the facility a few weeks later and, because of his injury, went to a new prepatory school. He was also to make one compromise with his father, go to Brown instead of Harvard under the condition he forgets all about his friends and dreams Wellton. He spent his year at Brown staying close to Pete and planning the rest of his life. Neil could finally start to imagine a future for himself and he wanted to live in New York. He was able to get into NYU with a good loan and he would be able to attend classes about philosophy, literature, theatre and acting.

  
He left Brown at the end of his first year and saw his parents one last time a week before moving to New York.

It was a weekend during his mother’s birthday. Neil arrived in the early afternoon and was supposed to stay for the night to leave the next day. He still didn’t know how to leave his parents yet, if he should tell his father off like desperately wanted to or if he should just leave without a word about him never coming back. To be honest, Neil didn’t want to face them at all, but he couldn’t leave his mother like that. He still cared for her and even though she never did much to help him against his father, she still tried to be there for him during his recovery.

  
His last day with them felt longer than the entire year he just spent at Brown. The conversations with his father were hollow, full of empty promises he already broke, claims of deception from his father Neil didn’t believe anymore and his mother mostly gossiped. Feelings, love, honesty were all avoided…  
There wasn’t anything Neil would miss.

Dinner came and he realized this would be the perfect moment to say something drastic and leave. But he didn’t say anything, he didn’t have the need to make a scene, scream or slam the door.

In the end he was at peace with his decision didn’t want to go out with a bang. He’d rather leave serenely, with a quiet sense of freedom. So instead, he decided to leave during the night after his parents fell asleep. His last goodbye being a goodnight before pretending to go to sleep.

  
The silent and darkness reminded Neil of the dreadful night he tried to leave by dying. At the difference it was snowing that night when he is now in late spring two years later. He’s come this far; he doesn’t want to give up anymore.

  
He decided to leave a note, he ripped a page from the book he was reading and wrote that he was leaving them, that he’s not going to Brown anymore and that this was his last goodbye. It honestly hurt him more to rip away the title page of a book than it did to leave, but it was written by a young poet while running away and Neil loved the symbolism this would leave behind.

  
Neil took his bag and went into the living room to leave the note, when he saw the silhouette of his mother sitting on the sofa with the hint of a sad smile.

  
“You were really planning on leaving without saying goodbye?”  
“I’m sorry mother.” Neil looked down.  
“You’re not coming back are you?” his eyes widened.  
“Where are you going Neil?”  
“It doesn’t matter, I’m not coming back. I won’t become a doctor. I need to be true to myself. And I’m not sorry about that. I was going to leave this note.”  
Neil gave his mother the note, she read it and her eyes became glossy.   
He started to leave, before he could start feeling guilty.

  
“Goodbye” he whispered to her.  
“Goodbye son.” His mother cried.

  
And then, he left. Stepped out of the quiet house for the last time. The fresh spring night atmosphere hugging his cheeks. For the first time, Neil could feel himself breathing.   
He continued to walk forward, never looking back.

He arrived at the train station after walking for about half an hour and bought the first ticket that would bring him back to Brown so he could finish packing. In the train, he continued his book, it was My bohemia by Arthur Rimbault, and he could feel every word he read with a new understanding.

“I went off, fists thrust into my pockets, all tattered  
My jacket suddenly transformed for the better  
Beneath the sky, I went, O Muse, becoming your debtor  
…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean, when you're a frensh gay you need to cite Rimbault somewhere even if it's a fan fic ^^'  
> (ps: I was technically sober when I wrote this)


	5. It's been a minute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil enjoys his new life in New York and meets an old friend.  
> Todd's writers block is interupted by a big news.  
> (Also Nuwanda/Charlie swears a lot)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter and the next one have been really hard to write 'cause like... What are you supposed to do in such a situation? (I still have no idea)  
> Also Dalton uses both the name Nuwanda and Charlie and I already sayed it but he swears a lot, but like... I would to.   
> And the chapter has both Neil and Todd's POV

After he came to New York, Neil had to move onto a small studio in downtown Brooklyn. He knew how dangerous the streets were there, but the rent was cheap, and he needed to save as much money as he possibly could since he didn’t get a full scholarship.   
He moved in at the beginning of the summer and immediately started working three jobs, all in Manhattan though that didn’t stop him from going out from tome to time. He went to a few clubs, saw a few plays and met a lot people who he quickly got along with enough for him to get invited to parties and other events. Neil had spent his first summer there falling in love with the city and his newfound liberty: the more he discovered, the more he needed to explore.

When school finally started, Neil decided to only keep his job at a drugstore in Greenwich village and started to use the boring moments for studying and do his readings. He had just finished his first week at NYU and reading about Shakespeare’s use of iambic pentameter when a familiar face walked in the store, one Neil had missed over the past few years.

Charlie Dalton walked in staring down at a piece of paper and wearing a pair of black ripped jeans, a black shirt, a jean jacket and a large pair of sunglasses he took off after closing the door. Before he could start to panic, Neil urgently left the counter to approach him, though he had no idea what he should do or say. When he joined him in the candy aisle, Charlie still hadn’t noticed him so he said the first thing his head could think of:

“Can I help you Nuwanda?”   
His old friend furrowed his brow and finally looked up,  
“How do you… OH MY GOD!”  
He exclaimed when he recognized Neil.   
“Hey…” Neil grinned, “It’s been a minute.”  
“Neil. You’re… you…” Charlie stammered pulling him into a tight hug. 

Neil hugged back, thrilled to see his best friend again. He savored the moment when Charlie pulled back slapping him on the shoulder.  
“Aouch!” Neil yelped.  
“What the fuck Neil?! Are you living in New York? Why the hell didn’t you try to contact me after the play?!”   
“Trust me I really wanted to!” Neil started to explain, “But my father had made it impossible. But yeah, I just moved here. I didn’t you were living here.”  
“Yeah, since last year.” Charlie started to calm down, “I go to Columbia. How is your father?”  
“I wouldn’t know. See, I’m not really talking to him anymore…”  
“Wait. Did you tell him finally off?”  
“Not exactly. I did leave him with a note saying I’m never coming back though.”  
“Jesus Neil that’s incredible!” Charlie cheered patting Neil on the shoulder “Whatever you were planning on doing tonight, cancel it! You’re hanging out with us at the bar.”  
“Us?”  
“Yeah me, Knox and Todd always go to this bar near our loft…”  
“Todd’s here?”   
Neil blurted out, his heart skipping a few beats.  
“Yeah, we’re actually all three studying at Columbia and living together.”   
“How is he?”  
“Oh well I’m doing great thank you for asking.” Charlie replied sarcastically.  
“Sorry” Neil chuckled nervously chuckling down.  
“Don’t worry about it, you’ll see him tonight! Meet us at the Captain’s, it’s a bar a few blocks away, at let’s say 12:30pm?”  
“Yeah, absolutely, I’ll be there!” Neil promised smiling wide

He wanted to ask Charlie how everyone was doing, what he had been up to and continue the conversation, but he noticed his boss outside coming back to the store.  
“Shit, you’re going to have to go, my boss is coming back.”  
“Oh, okay sure! I’ll leave you to it then.” Charlie answered starting to leave the store. “See you tonight!” Charlie patted his shoulder and Neil slightly winced, but Charlie thankfully didn’t notice and just ran out of the store. 

Neil laughed and noticed Charlie had dropped the paper he was holding before. He picked it up, it was a simple grocery list, Neil almost threw it away when he recognized Todd’s handwriting and a small note at the bottom.

“Do not buy anything else and no donuts today!!”

Neil’s heart was beating fast as he went back to the counter. After more than two years he will not only see the dead poets again, but he will also see his soulmate. It felt like an eternity since he last held him. Neil looked back at his lesson on Shakespeare, there is no way he’d get any more work done for today.

*** Todd’s POV***

Todd was sitting at his desk in front of a blank sheet of paper, he had been trying for the past hour.

He had recently started his second year in Columbia and has been struggling with a writer block for the past weeks. He’d been used to write about the dead poet society and his life Wellton but now he finally felt ready to write about his most recent experiences, his teacher really wanted him to do so. He was thinking about writing something based on New York, living in the loft with his friends, all the people he’s met but those ideas were in a disorganized mess. It was like something was missing, and without it the story wouldn’t be complete. But even if he knew what it was, Todd couldn’t write it in. 

Since he wasn’t writing, he decided to start cleaning up Nuwanda’s room, since his friend was incapable of doing that himself and his room was already cleaned. That’s when he heard a loud door slam from the other side of the loft. 

“Todd! Get your ass over here!” 

Charlie screamed. Todd sighed but left the room to join his roommate in the living room.

“Nuwanda, we talked about this.” He replied joining his friend, “No yelling. We ha neighbors, remember?”  
“Screw them!” Nuwanda exclaimed running around the room and dropping his jacket on the floor, “You will not believe what happened at the drugstore!”  
“Maybe not. Are you just trying to find another excuse?”  
“What is that supposed to mean ?!”  
Todd pointed at his friend’s empty hands.  
“You didn’t buy the groceries.”  
“I… Oh shit you’re right! Doesn’t matter, you were right. He’s alive!”  
“What are you talking about?” He picked up Charlie’s jacket to put it on the mantel, “Did the baker drop his stuff into your donut again? I asked you not to buy one.”   
“No, Todd!” Charlie stopped his frantic walk to look him straight in the eyes, “I met Neil. He’s alive.”

Todd stopped stupefied, his skipping a few beats while he was struggling to breathe.

“He is?”   
“Yes!” Nuwanda threw Todd into a quick hug before elaborating, “And he looks great, he told me he left his father and just moved to the city.”  
Todd was trying to digest all the information, but this was a lot.  
“Wow…”  
“Best part is we’re meeting him tonight at the bar!”

Now he was starting to freak out   
“Charlie…”  
“I know. This is crazy, and a lot, but come on we need this. I mean… Fuck. I’ve got to call Meeks!”  
Charlie turned to the phone.   
“I’m going in my room.” Todd mumbled staring blankly down.  
Charlie looked back at him realizing how pale had become.  
“Oh… I’m sorry… Dammit, I didn’t mean to freak you out.” Nuwanda stammered  
“It’s okay. This is huge for both of us …And I don’t know, I just… Go call Meeks, I need to be alone for a little.”  
“Yeah, of course.”

Todd nodded begore walking to his room, closing the door behind and falling on the floor, his back on the door.

He’d been aware Neil must still be alive when his soulmate mark had started to fade back but he had never let himself believe they would see each other again.   
And who was to say if him and Neil were still soulmates when his mark was still transparent.

But if Neil were here, they could be in the same world again and he could become a part of his life in New York. A life he had built on his need to try and move forward with his friends from everything that had happened in Wellton. Here he was this new version of himself that was grounded by Mr. Keating’s lessons and all the loss that had come with them. Neil being back would change everything including the way he lives with the past.

Todd got back up to go sit on his bed, uncapable to control his mind. Thinking about how it would be to see his soulmate again and all the ways it could go wrong. He let his thoughts run around wild for at least an hour until he heard a knock from the other side of the door.

“Hey, is it cool if we come in?”   
Charlie asked opening the door with Knox whose expression made it clear he just found out about Neil.  
“Yeah, go ahead” Todd lightly smiled

His two roommates entered the room and went to sit next to him on the bed.  
"So…” Nuwanda started, “How is everyone handling the news?”  
“I mean, it’s kind of amazing.” Knox replied.  
“I guess…” Todd continued, “I never thought we’d see him again.”  
“Yeah, me neither.” Charlie agreed.  
“By the way, do you think he knows we had no idea he was alive?” Knox wondered.  
Todd blinked, “What do you mean?”  
“I mean is he aware of the fact that we’ve spent months begging to know what had happened to him, if he had survived?”  
“I doubt it” Charlie answered, “And I don’t think tonight would be the best time to talk about it. I mean do we really want to talk about it?”

Todd’s thoughts abruptly went back to his meltdown in the snow after they’ve spent the night running around asking about Neil and the teachers wouldn’t tell them anything. He remembered how bad it could get for them during the year and how difficult it had been to talk about it afterwards.  
“No, you’re right.” He agreed trying to get out of his head again. “Let’s just not mention the ugly parts for now.”  
“Okay.” Knox added getting up, “So we’re meeting Neil, god I still can’t believe it… Anyway, we’re meeting him in a few hours, and I have some readings to catch up on so I’m going to go and do that.”  
“Have fun!” Charlie teased while Knox leaved the room, staying quiet until he was completely gone.

“Okay but Todd,” Nuwanda said turning to his friend, “Are you okay going out with us tonight?”  
“Yeah, I think so. I mean, I’m freaking out sure but, you’re right. We need this.”  
“Good. Just tell me if you need to go home. I’ve gotten surprisingly good at making up excuses for you.”

Charlie winked and they both laughed, it’s true that Todd had a bad tendency of leaving without saying goodbye and he was thankful his friend stayed supportive and often covered for him.  
“Todd…”   
“Yeah?”  
“Did something happen between you and Neil?”  
“What do you mean?”   
“I mean… Were you guys like, more than friends.”

Todd felt his head starting to spin, he put his hands on his face hoping to make it stop but all it did was bringing back memories of subtle glances. He really wished he could escape this question.

“I really don’t want to talk about it.”  
“You never do but… you guys were so close and, I swear the second mentioned you he freaked out or something…”

Image and memories kept coming back he remembered the last time he held Neil in his arms and he almost snapped.

“Nuwanda, please stop!”  
“I just want to …”  
“No. I’m sorry but this is none of your business”  
Todd felt like he could throw up, his stomach turning and his throat stale.   
“Fine. I’m sorry for asking” Charlie gave up at which Todd instantly started to relax.

“Thank you for cleaning my room.”  
“I couldn’t write” Todd explained thankful for the change of subject.  
“Could you write now?” his friend wondered

Todd looked back at his desk, words forming inside his head.  
“Maybe…” He got up to go to his desk “but I don’t think it would be any good.”  
“Doesn’t have to” Charlie followed putting his hand on Todd’s shoulder. “Just don’t spend the next few hours imagining bad stuff.”   
Charlie started walking out of the room “If you can’t write, you can join me, I’ll be in the living room, okay?”  
“Sure” Todd replied before sitting on his desk chair. 

Charlie left the room and Todd started typing the words that came to him, though they didn’t make a lot of sense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this, plz don't hesitate to kudos and comment <3


	6. Captain and runaway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Todd, Knox and Charlie go meet Neil at their favorite bar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic has officially become my coping mecanism and I'm honestly cool with that.

When the time came to finally go and meet Neil, Todd’s heart was drumming so loud his stomach was growling endlessly. He felt stupid for having his overthinking mostly focused on what to wear, taking every piece of clothing he liked and throw them on the bed losing his time over it but, nothing felt right to him.

He kept running around the room until they had to leave in less than five minutes. When Charlie called him from the living room, Todd surrendered into simply keeping on his dark blue jeans, wear them with a clean grey shirt and his favorite dark green sweater vest then run out of his room to the living room where Charlie and Knox were sitting on the sofa waiting for him.

Knox turned off their radio and asked  
“We good to go?”  
“Yeah” Charlie answered getting up, “Todd?”  
Todd nodded and waited for his friend to leave with him.  
“Let’s go before he changes his mind.” Charlie teased putting his arm around him while Knox opened the door.

The walk to the bar was silent, Todd’s anxiety worsening with every step he took. At least they were meeting Neil in one of the trio’s favorite bar, “The captains’” was only few blocks away and they had spent so much time there during the summer Charlie knew almost everyone, regulars and barman. It was a relief for all of them to do this in such a familiar place. They arrived at the bar after walking forever, Todd recognized him immediately.

Neil was walking from the other side of the street to entry of the bar, looking as good as ever with his old coat from Wellton and his red flannel. Todd’s heart stopped as he recognized the three and waved at them smiling.  
“Hey, Neil!” Charlie called running to his old best friend and hugging him as Knox and Todd catched up to him.  
“Hey guys.” Neil softly replied, “Thanks for inviting me.”  
“Well, it’s good to see you again.” Knox added.  
“Yeah, it’s good to see you too.” Neil’s eyes drifted to Todd standing still. The dirty blond not knowing what he supposed to do or say and feeling all these different things he couldn’t figure out by themselves.  
“Hello.” He whispered, looking the other in the hoping that would be enough.  
“Hi Todd.” Neil softly smiled.

Todd smiled back, his body now a hundred times lighter.  
“So… shall we go in?” Charlie spoke lightly eyeballing Todd, “You guys look like you could use a drink, by which I mean seven at least.”  
“Sure, let’s go.” Todd mumbled reluctantly looking away from Neil.

They entered the bar and went to sit at a corner table while Knox went to buy the drinks.  
“So, Neil.” Charlie started sitting next to his old friend, “Why don’t you tell Todd what you did?”  
“What?”  
“You know about running away…”  
“That’s not… I didn’t run away.” Neil objected, “I mean, I did leave my parents and Brown with a small goodbye note and moved in New York making sure they won’t find me but…”  
Neil stopped blinking while Charlie’s grin grew.  
“Oh, shirt…” Neil mumbled, “That does sound like running away I guess…”  
Charlie couldn’t help but burst out laughing as Knox came back with the drinks and sat next to Todd.  
“What’s up?” he asked looking at Charlie laughing so hard he started punching the table.  
“I think I ran away.” Neil giggled.  
“Well good for you” Knox replied, “Your father was the worst.”  
Charlie agreed and raised his drink  
“To Neil the runaway!”  
“To Neil!” they cheered before starting to drink.

“So, Neil, tell us, what kind of life are you leading as a runaway in New York?” Charlie asked in a joking manner.  
“I’m a theater major at NYU and I work at the drugstore where you met me.”  
“Do you live nearby?” Know wondered.  
“No, I live in a studio in downtown Brooklynn.”  
“shirt.” Charlie let out.  
“It’s not the best, but it’s cheap.” Neil agreed, “What about you? Charlie mentioned a loft or something?”  
“Oh yeah, we all live in a loft a few blocks away from here and go to Columbia.” Knox explained  
“We all decided to apply during senior year,” Charlie continued, “but Meeks and Pitts got into Yale, so they go there instead.”  
“Huh, why Columbia?” Neil wondered.  
“It was Todd’s idea actually.”  
Charlie revealed pointing at Todd had stayed quiet through the conversation.  
“Oh um, yeah…” Todd stammered trying to avoid Neil’s stare, “I-I guess I just thought the school the school had something for all of us, it’s in the ivy league so our parents would be into it and I really wanted to live in New York… So, one time we were talking about colleges and I mentioned it and, I guess that became the plan to help us survive senior year.”  
“Well, it was a great idea.” Knox added putting his hand on Todd’s shoulder “We all worked so hard to get in, Charlie even became a model student in his new school.”  
“It was awful, thank god you weren’t here to see it.” Charlie grunted rolling his eyes making his roommates laugh.  
“When did you change school” Neil asked furrowing his brows.  
“I got expelled for punching Cameron in the face.”  
“You what?!” Neil almost yelled.  
“And I would do it again!” Charlie cheered  
“Jesus, what happened after I left?!”

Silence filled the table at Neil’s question.  
“Well…” Todd mumbled looking to his friends, “Things might have gotten a little …insane and, some of us might have, sort of, acted up a little and Keating hag to leave ...”  
“Wait, Keating got fired?”  
“Gosh, you really don’t know about any of this?” Charlie realized.  
“No, I guess not.”  
“Okay,” Charlie turned to Todd and Knox “Can I tell him about the captain moment? I mean it would be cruel not to.”  
“Nuwanda, you weren’t even there.” Knox remarked, “Besides this is Todd’s story.”  
“Please Todd let me do it.” Charlie pouted.  
“Go ahead.” Todd smiled, he’d rather have him tell the story. 

Todd had heard Charlie tell the story of how he stood up on his desk during English class to call Mr. Keating as one last goodbye numerous times. His friend especially enjoyed recounting it when someone had criticized him for being quiet or shy as to show them who Todd really was. So, he didn’t pay much attention to how Charlie told the story. Instead, he kept his attention on Neil and how he was reacting to it, he was leaning forward, listening carefully, his eyes turning to Todd, looking at him in away that reminded him of the day he had to improvise a poem for class making his heartbeat louder and faster than it already was.  
“Wow.” Neil whispered when Charlie was done talking. “Todd, that… that must have been… wow.”  
Todd smiled and looked away, feeling the heat from his neck to his cheeks.  
“I guess.”  
“I’m surprised you never heard about any of this. It was talked about in like almost every prep, elitist schools for months.” Knox said.  
“Well… I didn’t go to school for almost six months, so that might explain it.”

Neil looked down rubbing his left shoulder as the rest of the group stayed quiet. None of them knew if they should change the subject or ask about what happened after the play. Todd had so many questions on his mind but wasn’t sure he was ready to ask them and hear their answers.

“Anyway, Knox?” Neil asked deciding for everyone, “I was wondering, what happened with Chris?”  
“Oh, well… She also lives in New York.”  
“So, you’re together?”  
“Not at all,” Knox nervously laughed, “I mean we did go out for few months, but we didn’t really work out as a couple.”  
“Yeah, weirdly, begging a girl you don’t know well to go out with you doesn’t actually work as a good way to start a relationship.” Charlie quipped smiling and making Knox roll his eyes.  
“Yeah, I learned my lesson about that.”  
He argued while Charlie and Todd shared a look remembering the longest argument they ever had to witness.  
“Anyway, we did all become good friends with her and Ginny Danbury, so we forced the two to stay friends.” Charlie continued.  
“They kind of ended up joining the New York plan and we see them every week end over a brunch.”  
“That’s great.” Neil said. “I remember Ginny, she played Hermia. She was awesome.”  
“She still is.” Charlie remarked “Ans I’m sure she still remembers you.”  
“Anyway,” Knox continued, “Ginny just transferred to Colombia and Chris is in Cornell being smarter than all of us.”  
Todd had been able to relax at the new subject, thinking about the two friends.  
“That reminds me, guess who’s Ginny’s econ professor?” He spoke.  
“Oh no. Is it Clyde?” Knox guessed.  
“Yup.”  
“Poor thing.” Charlie replied before turning to Neil,  
“Clyde was Todd and Knox’s econ teacher last year, he was awful and not in a Hellton way.”  
“He hated us.” Knox sighed, “Every time someone did bad on an exam, the man would first yell at us and then laugh at how dumb we were.”  
“Seriously?” Neil asked.  
Todd nodded and continued,  
“His classes were awful, nobody understood anything.”  
“Thankfully, I was there to rescue the two from failure.” Charlie grinned.  
“Props of you being an econ major.” Todd shrugged.  
“Hey at least one of us will have a job.” Charlie teased.  
“What was that for.” Todd protested.  
“For being an English major.”  
“Well, I’m sure it’ll be more useful than a theater major.” Neil reassured smiling at him.  
“Touché.” Todd laughed, heart stuttering.  
“Dams you two studying what you want.” Charlie huffed.  
“Charlie…” Knox chimed, “You don’t even know what you want.”  
“Whatever, at least I don’t sleep in class as much as you do.”  
“I don’t sleep that much.”  
“Yes, you do! I hear you snoring from the other side of campus.”  
“That’s just impossible.” Know argued.

Todd and Neil laughed watching the two bickering, Todd meeting the other’s eyes and spoke.  
“They’re always this way.”  
“How do you survive?” Neil joked.  
“He loves us!” Charlie teased ruffling the dirty blond’s hair.  
The four spent the night laughing, drinking and sharing stories and anecdotes of college and crazy nights until almost four am, Knox and Charlie still bickering through it. They separated promising to do this again as soon as possible.

Todd felt great at the end of it, warmer than ever and happy to have Neil back in his life, his old soulmate making New York City brighter, bringing some peace to his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gret news my finals are next week so I might take longer to post! (Sorry)  
> I do hope you enjoyed this chapter <3


	7. New city kid energy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil makes friens at NYU.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does it show that I write this fic mostly listening to Taylor Swift, Hozier and Anderperry playlists?

The students at NYU were the most interesting and equally intimidating people Neil had ever met. 

This was notably true for the ones in his acting and theatre classes. The young, new actor had never been around this many people with the same love and passion as him. Some of them had a lot of experience with it, talked about auditions or roles they had in plays or independent movies.

A part of Neil couldn’t help but compare himself to everyone else. They were all so talented and knew things he had never even thought of before. He started to trouble himself with doubts and fears of imminent failure. It was terrifying.

But then he thought back on similar feelings Todd used to describe, when he had tried to explain to the other boy why he was so nervous in class or around others at the beginning of the year. The memory helped him feel less alone and reminded Neil of him, Todd, Charlie and Knox hanging out at the bar only two days ago. 

He still couldn’t believe they were all here in the same city and they had found each other again. 

Neil hadn’t stopped thinking about it, while he was working at the store, during classes, at home or even now during his lunchbreak while he was eating.

“Hey Neil! Are these seats taken?”

Neil looked up from his sandwich to see two of his classmates standing right next to him, Renee and Anthon.

“Not at all,” Neil answered with his best smile, “go ahead.”   
“Great!” Renee before sitting next to him while Anthon went to sit in front of her, “Thanks man!”

Renee was a short, dark haired girl who always wore flannels and dark purple lipstick while Anthon was taller with curly brown hair with ears that stuck out a bit too much. The two were staying together most of the time but always insisted they weren’t more than friends. Both were now taking out their burgers from their paper bags.

“So, Neil,” Renee started taking a bite, “You’re obviously new to the city, where are you from?”  
“New England.” Neil answered, “How did you- “  
“Sorry,” She interrupted smiling “You just have new kid that’s living on his own for the first-time type of energy.”  
“Oh. Didn’t realize I was so obvious.” Neil laughed.  
“You’re really talented though.” She added.  
“You really think so? I mean your interpretation of today’s monologue was incredible.”  
“Thank you.” Renee beamed putting a hand on her chest. “I’m serious, you’re great. Really passionate and like sincere, it’s awesome.”  
“Thanks… I-I needed that.” Neil admitted before finishing his sandwich, Renee raising a brow at his comment.  
“So…” Neil drifted, “I guess you’re from New York?”   
“Yes, we both are actually.” She nodded “Just escaped from this shitty anti individuality private school.”  
“Same for me! Well, not exactly but I grew up in a strict prep school. I only ever had one teacher that actually cared about us…”  
“It’s the worst, right? And people there always take the arts for granted!”  
“It is!” Neil exclaimed.   
Renee smirked quietly eating a big bite of her burger.  
“I like you Perry! You care about shit.”  
“Well, I try to.” Neil smiled, he finally seemed to make an actual friend.

“Wait!” Anthony yelled suddenly breaking his silent listening. “I have a question of the highest importance. What is your favorite Shakespeare play?”  
“Jesus,” Renee rolled her eyes. “Sorry about him, he’s a huge Shakespeare fanatic.”  
“It’s okay, I am to.” Neil winked amused before turning to Anthon. “It’s a Midsummer night’s dream.”  
“One of his best comedies… Interesting.” Anthon nodded, looking quickly at Renee.   
“Okay Neil, you’re cool!”  
“Ooh this is big,” Renee exclaimed turning to Neil, “He rarely thinks that about anyone.”  
She fake-whispered to him, Neil laughed and watched her, and Anthon share a look.  
“Anyway,” Anthon continued looking back at Neil, “What are you doing tonight?”  
“Nothing.” He replied.  
“Wrong! You, my friend, are going with us to a see a play and have fun during the after party.” Renee corrected patting his back.  
“Sure.” Neil grinned, “As long as it’s after 8pm.”  
“Dude, this is New York City.” Renee stated rolling her eyes, “The best stuff happens at night! When kids, elders and other bedwetters are sleeping and leaving us alone.” 

She smirked and the three laughed together, then continued to talk and bond while finishing their lunch and walk to their next class.

***

Neil barely slept that night, he only got home around 4am and could get a little rest before leaving his house at 7:30, stopping to get himself the largest cup of coffee he could find and was still able to enjoy his classes. College had become instantly easier with his new friends, both just as exhausted than him Renee even sleeping through a few of her classes. Neil could now really be himself and be happy this way.

He was still thankful when his last class of the day ended, and he didn’t have to go to work afterwards. But Neil didn’t want to go home yet. 

Instead, he got himself his third coffee of the day and started walking around the city, something he loved doing from time to time. Maybe he only felt this way because he was still new to the city but that didn’t matter to him. 

Walking around these full and busy streets, seeing all these different people living their lives like they wanted to, was a reminder for Neil that he was free. He could do anything, see whomever, follow his heart and his father didn’t have a say in it anymore. He won’t order him around ever again. 

As he was losing himself to the rhythms around him, Neil thought back at his night with some of the members of the dead poet society, catching up and hanging out with them had almost felt like old times. But this time they were all living in freaking New York City. Still growing up and learning to live as themselves independently, outside of their family’s expectations.  
And Todd…

Todd seemed to have changed a lot over the last few years. He looked more like himself than he ever had during Welton. The young writer wasn’t living under anyone’s shadow anymore and Neil wasn’t the only person to know who he truly was and could be.   
Also, Todd’s hair was longer now, and it only made him more attractive. Apparently, that was possible.

After all this time, Neil was still thoroughly intrigued by the sweet Todd Anderson. Only this time, he wanted to know all the ways in which he had changed.

He was thinking of all the different questions he could ask him when Neil turned around and realized he didn’t know where he was. He had been so deep in his thoughts he stopped paying attention to where he was going.

He seemed to be in front of a national building or a library of some sort and the atmosphere was very humble and prestigious. Neil inspected the monument more and stared at the columns with names of literature figures he mostly only know by names, a lot of them seemed to be philosophers.

“Neil?” he heard someone call, a familiar voice that had his heart stop as he looked at his left.

“Todd.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this ended on cliffhanger but the chapter would have been to long and I wouldn't have been able to post today. I promise I already drafted the next one, it is on his way with two pov's Oo
> 
> Also to point out the ogvious  
> \- Renee is in fact a raging lesbian.  
> -Todd is way more addicted to coffee than Neil I just haven't been able to show it yet.
> 
> Now that I'm done with my finals are done and my semester is soon to be over, I can finally write, edit and post more :)  
> (not during class though)


	8. The empty desk in front of me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, here's a longer chapter.  
> I don't really have much energy right but I'm still sending you guys luv <3

Todd was standing on the stairs wearing a grey sweater and light blue jeans, Neil couldn’t understand how someone could both be this cute and handsome at the same time. Next to him was a young Asian man, probably the same age them.

“Hey.” Todd said walking towards Neil, “What are you doing here?”  
“I was just walking around the city. To be honest I have no idea where we are.”

Todd chuckled and god, Neil had missed that smile. His friend joined them then, a standing slightly behind Todd.  
“Hello.”  
“Oh, Neil this is Joshua Nagai. We’re in the same major in Columbia and Joshua, this is Neil Perry. My roommate when I first arrived at Wellton.”  
Neil smiled holding his hand out.  
“Pleasure to meet you.”  
Joshua shook his hand nodding before asking.  
“You’re the Neil from the dead pet society, right? Todd did some amazing stories about it last year.”  
“He did?”  
Neil could feel his cheeks getting warmer.  
“Yes. One of them was even published by the school paper.”  
“Anyways,” Todd interrupted almost loudly, “We were just at the library to pick up some books.”  
“Right.” Joshua added, “Well I gotta go, it was nice to see you Perry and Todd I’ll see you tomorrow.”  
“Sure, bye.”

Joshua walked away and it was now just Neil and Todd. When was the last time they were together like that?

“So…” Neil stammered, “Where are we again?”  
“Tis is the butler library.” Todd smiled pointing at the building, “We’re on one of the Columbia campuses.   
“Huh. That explains why you’re here.”  
“Yes, and you were just walking?”  
“I like exploring the city sometimes. I finished class a few hours ago and didn’t feel like going home so… lucky for me, I ended up here. With you.”  
Todd’s eyes went wide, cheeks nearly turning red and grinned.  
“So, you’re free?” He asked.  
“I guess I am.”  
“You wanna hang out?”  
“Yes, definitely.” Neil instantly replied.  
“Great!”  
Neil’s heart was jumping up and down and he wanted to do the same.  
“Um…” Neil continued, “What do you want to do?”  
“Exploring the city sounded like a nice plan.” Todd answered passing a hand through his heart.  
“Alright,” Neil started walking back to the other boy, “Let’s go.”  
Todd grinned as they started walking together, Neil couldn’t believe his luck.  
“So, how’s Columbia?”   
“It’s great, especially since I get to write and everything.”  
“Write about me?” Neil grinned.  
“Maybe.” Todd stammered. “I wrote a lot about the dead poet society and Wellton last year.”  
“And you got published by the school paper?”  
“It’s a long story.”  
“Can I hear it?” Neil asked.  
Todd smiled and explained to him how one time he had written a short story instead of editing his essay and accidently gave the teacher both the essay and the story who showed it to one of the editors for the main school paper, which Todd first saw as a form of punishment. It took him almost a month to register the teacher just liked the story. He also tried to explain how weird to have so many people around him read his story and like or even love it.

Somehow Neil started to talk about his year attending Brown where his only reconciliation was his few friends at a small theater club. Talked a little about Pete and laughed about the miracle it had been for him to pass his exams. 

Todd then talked to him about how he learned to read things out loud by going to one of his school’s book club.  
“At the beginning I made Charlie come to the meetings with me for moral support.” Todd remarked. “He usually fell asleep in the first ten minutes. Although he did read the books.”

Neil laughed at his anecdote and asked him how it was to live with Charlie and Knox. Todd then summarized a few stories about the difficulty with the two and how impossible it was to find a place when they were unable to agree on anything. All with an adoring smile and a warm glint in his eyes.

The two continued to talk and laugh together and ended up in Central Parc sitting on one of the least noticeable benches. They had been talking about how Neil had moved in New York and Neil couldn’t help but change the subject to something he really wanted to know more about.

“Todd,” he started, “I wanted to ask you… about the “oh captain” moment…”  
“What about it?” Todd frowned.  
“What happened there?”  
“Why? Do you not believe I did it?”  
“What? No! I mean, of course I do.” Neil exclaimed. “I was just wondering what your side of the story was. Knox did say Charlie wasn’t there.”  
“He wasn’t. But there’s not much to add, he still told everything there is to know.”  
“Maybe, but don’t you have anything to say on it?”  
“I don’t know.” Todd shook his head, “To be honest I’ve never told the story myself.”  
“Why not?”  
“People usually have their own interpretation of everything. They never really want to know about mine.”  
“I do.” Neil gently smiled as he and Todd shared one of those looks, they used to share before.  
The ones where he would leave the other boy flustered for caring so much.   
“I-I wouldn’t know where to start.” Todd stammered looking away.  
“Just, start by telling me where you were and how you felt.” Neil replied softly, still looking at him with only kindness and admiration.

“Fine.” Todd looked back at him and took a breath. “We were in English class, which we now had for Mr. Nolan. It started with him asking where we were in our studies when Mr. Keating entered the room to pick up the last of his things. At that time, I was feeling… So much guilt and despair, I felt broken al because I signed this stupid form. I know none of us had a choice, but we-everyone loved Keating. They were wrong! About all of it, he wasn’t responsible for…”

Todd stopped, catching his breath all jittery and Neil realized how much weight and pain this moment held.  
“I’m sorry, you don’t have to go on.”

“No, it’s fine, I do.” Todd took his time before continuing to tell the story. “So, the teacher decided we had to start over and had to give Cameron his book to read the introduction. You know, the one we ripped out by… to be honest I don’t remember the name of its writer.” He smiled.  
“And I will never be able to tell you what he said about how we should study poetry. It never really mattered and at that time, I didn’t care about anything. I just wanted to say goodbye this time. I got up while Cameron was reading and interrupted him to swear to Keating we were forced to sign. Mr. Nolan yelled at me to sit down which, maybe I did. I’m not sure, my head was spinning to much because I was angry and sad and you…”  
Todd was starting to cry, and Neil could also feel tears dripping from his eyes to his cheeks.

“That’s when- that’s why you did it?” Neil mumbled.  
“Yes.” Todd smiled voice cracking. “I stood on my desk and called… “Oh captain, my captain!” and people followed. First Knox, then Pitts… I think. And for a second it felt like you were there, regardless of the empty desk in front of me.” 

Todd’s voice went quieter as he finished his last sentence, until there was nothing but dead silence between the two ex-lovers. 

Neil didn’t know what to say or if he should say something. He couldn’t think of the right thing to do when his heart was being crushed by the past. 

After a longue pause, Todd stood up and started pacing away, breath still shaking. Neil couldn’t bare it and he quickly ran to the other boy tackling him with a hug which only made them both fall on the grass.

“Neil, what the hell?!” Todd yelped.  
“Sorry did I hurt you?”  
“No, I’m fine.”   
“Well then, I take it back.” Neil grinned, “I’m not sorry, you needed a hug.”  
Todd laughed and Neil hugged him tighter until the other hugged back. They stayed like this, Neil lying on top of Todd, embracing him, ignoring a slight pain on his scarred shoulder and listened to each other’s heavy breathing.

***Todd’s POV***

Neil still smelled the exact same way he did before, a blend of minty and rainy aromas that made Todd think nothing was impossible. Right now, that was the only thing the poet could think about. 

While they were lying together on the grass, it was hopeless for him not to believe he was back at Wellton during that fall when he was first hopeless and in love, discovering for the first time the beauties of passion and poetry. The smells of New York covered by Neil’s; the rest of the world hidden by his embrace.

Neil eventually pulled away to lie next to Todd while the dirty blond remembered the bitterness of like in a flash. But right now, all that mattered was the pretty brown eyed boy who was looking at him and Todd thought of something.

“Hey, Neil?” he asked.  
“Yeah?”  
“I was wondering, did you go to any auditions since you arrived?”  
“Hm? Oh, no, not yet.”  
“Why not?” Todd turned to look at a dumfounded Neil, “I mean, you moved here in the summer and you’re studying theater- “  
“Exactly, I’m not an actor yet!”  
“Well, that’s just wrong.” Todd scoffed while Neil stared at him, furrowing his brows.  
“You just need to act to be an actor, it doesn’t matter how you do it. It’s the same for any kind of art. You do it and you love it, you’re an artist.”  
“I-I guess, but I’m not even sure where to start.”  
“What about open auditions? There are a lot of announcements for those spread around the city.”  
Neil looked at him speechless.

“I just… I don’t know.”  
“You’re scared?” Todd guessed.  
Neil nodded, looking away.  
“It’s just that… Every time I think about going to auditions, I can’t help but think back at…”  
Neil drifted off and didn’t need to end his sentence for Todd to understand he was thinking of Puck.  
“That’s okay.” Todd reassured. “Maybe you can ask for help from people in your classes?”  
“Maybe?” Neil pondered, “That’s actually a good idea.”

Todd started laughing at Neil’s lost face.

“What’s funny.” Neil asked still confused.  
“Honestly, you remind me when I first started Columbia.” Todd sat up. “Being on my own for the first time, my parents resented me for being an English major, neither I, Charlie or Knox knew anyone there… It was terrifying, to say the least.”  
“And now what? You’re over it?”  
“Oh no, absolutely not!” Todd scoffed, “But I got to know so many people. Talented writers who taught me a lot and I the things that used to terrify me, they don’t matter like they did before. Best of all, I barely see or talk to my parents anymore. I don’t have to answer the phone when they call me to talk about the last impossible case my brother just solved.”  
“Oh yeah, how is the incredible Jeffrey Anderson doing?” Neil teased.  
“Shut up!” Todd smiled rolling his eyes. “The point is the moment you know how to focus on your passion and not the things that scare you about it. It gets easier.”  
There was a pause between them until Neil looked at him and asked,  
“Were you always this wise?”  
“No, I’m not.” Todd shook his head, “I just went through some shit.”  
Todd was looking away afraid of what Neil’s gaze might mean.

“Looks like I’m not the brave one anymore.” Neil softly smiled.  
“Didn’t you just run away to start a new life in New York city.”  
“So, maybe we’re both brave.”  
They both laughed and Todd lied back on the grass. 

“God, I’ve missed this.” Neil confessed grinning at the other boy.  
“What? Me?”  
“Yes.”  
“I missed it to.” Todd admitted turning towards the other boy and putting his arm around him.

They settled on a shared silence, enjoying being with each other for the time being. Todd wanted to stay like this forever, but remembered where they were, how dangerous this was. He got up, looking around to make sure no one was staring at them.

“I should go home” he mumbled. “Charlie is probably either worried or very annoyed I’m not there.”  
Neil nodded also getting up.  
“Right… I should find a subway then.”  
“I know where they are, I’ll walk you there.” Todd offered; smiling had become harder suddenly.  
“Thanks, that’d be great.”

The two walked to the subway, maybe Todd would have held Neil’s hand if he had felt brave. Instead they had walked quietly and said goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hoped you enjoyed this chapter.   
> Don't hesitate to kudos or comment ;)


	9. What's sleep?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Todd goes home and spends the night alone thinking of evrything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry this took me longer than it usually did but because i have to try and focus on my personal project this semester, chapters are going to take me longer. Though I have no idea why this chapter took me so long to type.

Todd walked back to the loft his head filled with a strange mixture of happiness and trepidation. His hands were even shaking as he took his keys out of his bag and opened the door and entered an empty living room.

The loft he was sharing with Knox and Charlie, also sometimes called the cave of past romantics, was the first place where Todd had ever felt at home. A safe space to be alone, together, to read, to talk, to laugh, to listen to the radio and to live through the good, the bad, the crazy and the scary moments.

Even though growing up mostly in strict school dormitories meant none of the roommates had many personal belongings to decorate, they were still able to slowly personalize their new home in small ways that grew into something a lot more expressive over time.

A red and grey carpet Knox bought at a flea market to hide some floor stains of unknown origins, a large dark brown sofa that used to belong to Charlie’s family, near a wide window a small bookshelf holding most of Todd’s books and the few the others possessed, next to it was a large painting Charlie had showed up with one night and an open kitchen on the other side with a kitchen table that was always decorated with pot pourrie Chris would bring them. To top it all off, they had made a small table to go in front of the sofa by putting a round board of wood held by a few old tires all found by Meeks and Charlie who claimed to have exchanged them with donuts at the beginning of the year. The three of them had placed on it their radio, their brick telephone a gift from Knox’s family and the old ‘god of the cave’ from their dead poet society days. 

Looking at the table Todd could see a small note lying on the table.

“Hanging out the Captain’s with Chris and Ginny, might go to a party afterwards. Join us if you feel like it!!   
Charlie and Knox. “

He took the note smiling and put it in a small box on the bookshelf where the notes they left for each other where stored. 

After the day he had, Todd didn’t have any energy left to go out. He’d rather enjoy having the living room to himself and enjoy its rare quiet. At first, he sat down with his notebook to try and write but quickly realized he was still incapable of writing. Anything he wrote down was messy, disoriented and overall, just badly written. His already confused ideas had only gotten more tangled after Neil came back and Todd wasn’t ready to reflect on all the different things he was feeling right now.

And to think Neil used to make everything seem clear…

Now it was a pandemonium, every thought and word placed on paper was senseless because of how everything had changed so quickly. 

Todd was staring blankly thinking of this mess when the phone rang.

“Hello?” He mumbled into the phone expecting Charlie on the other line.

“Hey Brother!” Jeffrey answered from the other line. “How’s New York?”  
“Oh, hey…” Todd stammered sitting up. “It’s erm- it’s good. What’s up with you?”

It wasn’t often he would get a call from his brother. Todd could feel the usual spike of anxiety in his stomach, the one that would always appear when Jeffrey was around him. 

“Well, I’m engaged. But you already know that. And you still haven’t told me if you’re coming?”  
“Right, sorry. I- of course I’m coming. I wanted to tell you, but things have just been a little… crazy lately.”  
“Good, I want you there. Should I ask dad to get you tickets for the airplane?”  
“Uhm, yeah.” Todd was always taken aback when his brother would call their father ‘dad’,  
“That’d be great.” It was just another reminder that he and Jeffrey didn’t grow up with the same kind of parents. 

“Cool. So, the reason I called you is that I need your help on something.”  
“I’m sorry, what?”  
“I’m struggling with my vows and James, my best man, is struggling to write his speech and I thought, since your kind of a writer or something, you’d be able to help us. Please?”  
“I…” 

Todd blinked, did the first time someone in his family acknowledged his vocation have to be when they needed it for themselves?  
Of course, it did. 

After all what’s the point in doing something if they couldn’t take advantage of it. And sadly, he’d rather be used by his brother this once than be hated by his parents when they’re the ones paying for Colombia.

“Sure.” Todd replied holding back a sigh.   
“Thank you, so much! Could you maybe do it, like, soon? The wedding is in less than two months…”  
“I don’t know, I’ll try. I’d have to know what you want me to write about.”   
“Oh, right. I haven’t thought about it actually.”

Todd chewed on his lip. He really didn’t want to stay on the phone any longer. 

“Well let me now when you have.” He said hoping his brother would get the moment.  
“Yeah, sure. I should go, I have this dinner soon. I’ll call you again soon.”  
“Sure, bye.” 

Todd didn’t wait for his brother to answer before hanging up and groaned, put the phone back on the table and lied back on the sofa. 

His brain was already coming up with all these horrible scenarios about what could happen at the wedding. Going to his brother’s wedding was one thing but Todd didn’t want to have to be around his parents for the entire weekend, what is he supposed to say when his parents will comment on the fact that he hasn’t found his soulmate yet? That he had found him years ago but now it was… complicated? He looked back at his soulmate mark. The words were still faded but maybe not as much. Then again, it could just be his imagination, and another reason for him to stop thinking.

Todd breathed before looking at his bookshelf and getting up to pick up one of his favorite books, ‘my bohemia’ by Arthur Rimbault. He went to his room, lied on his bed and opened the book to his favorite passage and he finally got out of his head. He knew nearly every word but still loved and felt them the same way he did the first time he discovered them. He must have read for hours before falling asleep.

_ _ _

The next morning Todd woke up around 8am relieved that he didn’t have any classes in the morning. He got out of bed still tired and lazily put on a jean with one of his most comfortable sweaters before walking into the living room where he found Charlie and Knox half sleeping on the couch.

“Good morning.” Todd said patting Charlie on the head.  
“Mmh.” 

Todd smiled and went to the kitchen island where he took out the coffee from its shelf.

“Wait Charlie, shouldn’t you be in class?”  
“Yeah, I’m skipping.”  
“Okay… You two look exhausted. When did you get back?”   
“Like 20 minutes ago?” Knox answered yawning.  
“You didn’t sleep at all?”  
“What’s sleep?” Charlie joked “Oh, don’t eat! Chris and Gin are bringing us breakfast.”  
“So, you’re not even planning on getting some rest?”   
“We’re taking a nap right now!”   
“Sure.” Todd smirked starting up the coffee maker. 

He was taking out five cups out of the cupboard when Ginny and Chris came into the loft each holding a few paper bags. 

“Wake up sleepyheads!” Ginny called, “Breakfast’s here!”  
“Hey Todd.” Chris added quickly hugging her friend.  
“Hi.”  
“Did you have a good night?”  
“Yeah, it was okay.” He smiled hoping to avoid a talk about his brother’s phone call.  
“How come you weren’t home yesterday?” Charlie yawned getting up and walking to the table. 

It took Todd a moment to answer.

“I - I was with Neil.” 

Charlie froze for a second as he was putting his strawberry jam on his bagel and smirked.

“Neil? Really?”  
Todd nodded.  
“We erm- we ran into each other near the library.”  
“That’s great!”  
“Neil Perry, right?” Ginny asked, “The guy who played Puck with me at Henley Hall all these years ago? Charlie mentioned he came back from the dead.”   
“He was never dead, that’s the point.” Todd corrected.  
“Well, we don’t know that. He might have been gone for a minute- “  
“Nuwanda don’t go there!” Knox interrupted finally joining them.

Todd sighed trying to ignore what Charlie had just said. He poured the coffee into the different mugs and gave them to his tired friends.

“What about you guys, you seemed to have had a fun night?”  
“It was good.” Chris answered. “We hung out at the bar for a while and then went to this party in the East Village a friend invited us to.”   
“That seems great.”  
“No, it was boring without you.” Charlie complained. “And you are going to need to make up for that.”   
“Sorry?”

Charlie took a yellow pamphlet out of his pocket and unfolded it on the table. Knox looked at the paper quickly before rolling his eyes.

“We’re going!” Charlie announced.  
“Where?” Todd took the paper and read it. The pamphlet was for a music show at the palladium night club.   
“I know you’re not really into these places, but please?”  
“I don’t think that’s a good idea man.” Knox mumbled.  
“I don’t know…” Todd said before turning to Chris and Ginny. “Are you going? It’s this Saturday.”  
“Sorry honey, we can’t.” Chris replied.   
“Yeah, we have this stupid dinner to be at.” Ginny sighed.  
“It’s not- “  
“Yes, it is!” Ginny insisted and Chris stared at her both annoyed yet concerned.  
“Todd, I know this is a lot to ask but I really want to go, and things are never as fun when you’re not here.”  
“I’m probably just going to stand awkwardly next to you for like thirty minutes and leave with barely a notice like I always do. How is that fun?”  
“You’re judgy faces are hilarious! And you’re awkwardness, delight.” Charlie smirked and Todd couldn’t help but laugh. “Please? I promise you can leave whenever you need to.”  
“I- Fine.” Todd scoffed, “If it makes you happy.”  
“Yes! It really does, I swear!” Nuwanda cheered leaving the table to run towards the phone.  
“What are you doing?” Ginny asked.  
“I’m inviting Neil.”  
“What?!” Knox and Todd exclaimed at the same time.   
“Nuwanda that’s definitely not a good idea! It’s way too soon.” Todd warned, his stomach starting to churn.   
“Yes, this is almost as bad as your stunt at the bakery.”  
“Wait, what happened there?” Ginny added.

Charlie ignored them, dialing the number on the brick and pacing next to the canvas. 

“Hey, Neil. It’s Charlie, how are you?” He said into the phone.  
“Goddammit Nuwanda!”

Todd ran up to his friend and tried to take away the phone, but Charlie swiftly avoided his grasp, talking into the phone like nothing was happening.

“Oh, I’m great! Listen, are you free Saturday night? Yeah… well we’re all going to the palladium… you know the nightclub on 14th street. Uhuh, so you’ve never been? Great, you should come with us! Awesome! See you there at around twelfth thirty? Okay see you then, bye!” 

Charlie hung up, turned around and gave Todd the phone with a smirk on his face. 

“Why are you doing this?” Todd pleaded placing the phone back on the table.   
“I just think it would be cool to hang out with our old buddy Neil.” Nuwanda explained taking out a cigarette.  
“Charlie, no!” Chris yelled. “We’re still eating!”  
“Right, sorry Chris.”   
“Do you guys have any juice?” Ginny asked.  
“Yes, in the fridge. I’ll get it.” Todd said walking to the fridge taking the orange juice and giving it to her.  
“Thanks.”  
“Oh, and I also realized something…” Charlie said joining them back to the kitchen island and taking back his bagel. “We haven’t come out to him yet. Maybe if we just mention it quickly at the club, nobody will have to make a big deal out of it.”   
“Maybe,” Knox pondered, “But chances are you might just make it worse.”  
Todd sighed placing a hand over his eyes. Maybe Charlie had a point inviting Neil and look for an easy way to reconnect with him, trying to make some conversations easier by being in busy and excited places. Going to a night club can be awful, but he’ll still be with Charlie and Knox. Things are always good if they’re here. Todd shook his head smiling and went to steal the bagel from his chaotic friend.   
“Hey, not cool!”  
“Well, if I’m coming to what’s going to be one hell of a shit show, the least you can do is give me your half-eaten bagel!”  
“Todd, it’s okay if you don’t want to go.” Knox replied.  
“No, it’s fine. I want to.”  
“Do we really have to miss this?” Ginny complained turning to Chris.  
“Look Ginny, I know the dinner isn’t going to be fun for either of us but it’s still important to me. And I’d feel better if you were by my side.” Chris explained.  
“I’m sorry, of course I’m here for you.’’  
“Do you two have something tell us?” Charlie winked.  
“Shut up!” The two girls said smiling and rolling their eyes.

Todd laughed, happy to be safe around his friends.


	10. At least you're here.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil goes to the palladium with Charlie, Knox and Todd. It's perfect and then it's not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!  
> So this chapter was a monster but I feel pretty good about how it turned out. I have to thank all the people who bullied me into writing because the chapter might have taken longer if they didn't.   
> Also warning for american underage drinking since they're not exactly 21 but more like 19/20 years old.

Neil arrived at the club a little late. He had the closing shift at the store that day and went home to change afterwards. It turned out, he had no idea what to wear and ran around the studio trying to pick something, anything, for a little too long. 

He had rushed out after finally deciding on a red flannel and a dark pair of jeans that had recently ripped at the knee in an accident during class. Neil had panicked at first when it happened, mainly because he didn’t have that may clothes in the first place, but Renee laughed and reassured him that ripped jeans were nothing bad, especially not for a broke student in the city. The next day, she came wearing her own pair of ripped and even bleached jeans to show him how little of a scandal it was.

Neil stopped when he was in front of the club and stared at what was first a beautiful theater. He had heard some people mention this place during the summer, the palladium was known for being much more than just a club or a disco. The theater was immense, always cramped with people and sometimes, like tonight, they’re would also be shows and concerts, it was bright and exited… everything his father would hate. 

And thankfully he had enough to go to the concert without having to starve the rest of the month. 

“You’re late!”   
Neil turned around to see Charlie, Knox and Todd standing not too far from him.  
“Sorry.” He smiled, “I had to change before coming…”  
“It’s fine,” Charlie assured, “At least you’re here.” He added and put his arm around Todd as Knox added,  
“Let’s go!”   
Todd laughed and his eyes met Neil for a short instant before they all stepped into the club.

The first Neil noticed when he was inside were the lights, the bright, flashy, colorful lights that hurt his eyes. All of them mixed in a chaotic and explosive harmony. The atmosphere was hot from the crowds everywhere, people sweating and dancing together inside the huge palace. The music was blasting through the place making his heart and feet’s pound to the beat, it was all extremely overwhelming but in an exciting way.

Him and Knox struggled through the disarray and he couldn’t see Todd or Charlie anywhere after merely a few minutes of being inside the club. They finally arrived at a bar and Neil searched the crowd for them while Knox was getting them drinks. He finally found the two friends not too far from them. Charlie was dancing carelessly and singing along trying to get Todd to join him, the other laughing and rolling his eyes at him. Neil couldn’t help but grin as the blond started to awkwardly dance and Nuwanda started cheering.

Todd seemed so much more comfortable with him, maybe more than he was with Neil at Wellton. 

“Hey, could you help me with those?”

Knox asked tapping him on the shoulder before pointing at the bears. Neil nodded and they each took two bears and started walking towards their friends sometimes almost dropping the drinks because of the movement on the dancefloor.

“Beer!”   
Charlie cheered when he finally saw his two friends, taking one of the bottles Knox was holding and chugging nearly half of it.

“Oh, I love you!”   
He exclaimed though Neil wasn’t sure if Nuwanda was talking to Knox or the beer. Neil laughed and turned to give his second bottle to Todd, their hands brushing in the process. 

“Thanks.”   
The other boy mumbled, barely audible through the music. Neil’s smile grew as he looked away, hoping the other wouldn’t notice how much he was grinning. His eyes met Charlie’s who smirked at him as he was taking another sip of his drink.

Neil and Todd stayed standing next to each other, listening to the music and admiring the lights. Neil’s body started to slowly move along with it and Todd did the same. They both progressively turned to each other and danced unitedly with each other. Moving swiftly, it was almost as if it was just the two of them. Under the lights and along the music Neil felt a light touch from Todd’s hand on his hip.

God, and he thought this place couldn’t get any hotter. 

Their bodies started to drift closer to each other to end up being almost inches apart and stayed close like this, dancing to all the different songs that came and went. 

Everything was perfect, of course it had to be ruined.

“Todd?”  
Charlie appeared behind them, seemingly out of nowhere, making them both jump.  
“Jesus!” Todd stammered, “What?!”  
“I’m really sorry I’m ruining the moment, but… Just keep in mind it’s not really my fault.”  
“Charlie, what?!” Todd frowned turning to Knox, “What did he do?”   
The other friend just shrugged not looking at them.  
“Nothing! It’s just that the idiot’s here and like, not really far.”  
Charlie pointed to their left and Todd turned to look at whatever his friend was talking about, his frown first growing before rolling his eyes.  
“So? I mean it is his favorite club.”

Neil looked to where they were staring, it was three guys wearing bright colors with Victorian type of clothes, he believes their style was called new romantic or something.  
“Who’s the idiot?” Neil wondered.  
“Nobody.” Todd said as Charlie and Knox simultaneously answered,  
“The one with the bleached hair.”  
“Todd’s ex-boyfriend.”  
Both Todd and Charlie froze and stared at Knox, the last one’s answer was the only one Neil had been able to focus on.   
“Boyfriend?”  
He choked out staring more closely at the guy with the stupid white hair. He was attractive with a good smile, a strong jawline and an extravagant piercing on the nose. His heart felt like it had just been punched.  
“Wait no it’s not...” Todd stammered, “I didn’t- “  
“I’m bisexual!” Charlie blurted out over whatever Todd was going to say and Neil’s eyes finally left the bleach haired guy.  
“What?” He wasn’t sure to have heard his friend correctly.  
“I’m bi,” Charlie repeated, “That means I like both women and women. Knox is too, well kind off, it’s a little different for him and Todd, well he’s just gay.”   
“We meant to tell you before,” Knox continued, “We just didn’t really know how you would react.”  
“Technically we still don’t.” Charlie noted glaring back at Neil intensely.  
Neil stared confused. Not about his friends being bisexual, that made a lot a sense to him, he didn’t understand why they would bring this up now.

“Oh.” He answered without much thought.

The whole group stayed quietly for what felt like an hour until Neil realized how anxious his friend looked and that his answer could easily be interpreted as some form of disgust.

“Wait, I’m sorry.” Neil exclaimed, “That’s great, thank you for telling me, I’m happy for you.”   
Charlie and Knox finally smiled again, looking relieved and Neil turned to Todd. The dirty blond gave him a shy smile and nod and he knew exactly what it was for.

“Actually, I’m gay.”   
Neil said smiling back at them, but he wasn’t feeling well. All the noise, sweat and adrenaline were starting to have the best of him, and he needed a break. 

“I’m sorry, I have to go to the bathroom really quick.”  
He stuttered already running out of the dance floor.  
“Wait Neil! That’s not the best idea!”  
Charlie called but it was too late, Neil had already disappeared.

_ _ _

Charlie was right, it had been a terrible idea. His eyes were burning, and he now wanted to throw up even more as he walked out. It took him almost fifteen minutes to find Charlie and Knox in the dancefloor again.

“You look like shit. Are you okay?” Knox commented.  
“I tried to warn you buddy.” Charlie added.  
Neil only nodded and looked around.   
“Where’s Todd?”   
“Oh, Todd… he- erm… “Charlie stammered, “He had to go home because of stuff- homework.”   
“Wait, so he left without saying goodbye?”  
“Yeah, he does that…”

Neil stood there for a moment, unable to do anything until he realized he couldn’t stay.  
“I’m going to go too, actually. I’m not feeling great.” Neil muttered.  
“Oh, okay.”  
“Sure, ‘bye then.”

Neil nodded again and barely registered himself walking out or the people he might have pushed. He finally arrived outside pale and panting. He started to slowly walk, focusing on his breathing and finally started feeling better. He walked a little faster and realized he knew the dirty blond who was standing in front of him, waiting for an opportunity to cross the street.

“Todd, wait!”

Todd jumped and turned around and Neil ran over to him. He was a little out of breath and the two were just staring for a moment.   
“Can I walk you home?” Neil finally asked.  
Todd ayes widened before he nodded and the two started walking.

Neil couldn’t help a light smile as he was following the only person he’s ever fallen in love with, the one he’d been keeping close to his heart ever since he had learned to care. It was quiet between the two, a silence too painful to be drowned by the commotion of the city’s streets.

“Are you okay?” Neil blurted out. “Charlie said you had homework but…”   
Now that he thought about it, he didn’t exactly understand how someone would leave a club to do homework at one am. 

“Homework?” Todd laughed, “Yeah, that… that was a lie, a terrible one at that. I’m sorry, I just wasn’t feeling great.”  
“So, you just ran away and didn’t wait for me to say goodbye?”   
“I- Yeah, it’s a bad habit I have.”   
“You leave without a warning all the time?”  
No, I… I do it when it gets too hard, like it’s too much for me and I don’t know what else to do.”  
Neil understood this feeling, he used to feel the same when he was around his father, except that he couldn’t get himself to leave. That is until he moved here, somewhere he was free to do what he wanted. And now all he wanted to do was to take Todd’s hand and hold him tight. Why couldn’t he do that? Why were they so far apart?

“Did you leave because of me? Or was it because of that other guy?”  
Todd froze, looking at him distraught.  
“Neil…”  
“Just, you can tell me Todd.”  
“Both.”  
That answer hurt, even though it was expected, it hurt. Neil breathed as calmly as he could, but he could feel something dark grow inside of him.   
“Sorry, I guess.” Neil quipped before he started to walk again.  
“Neil, wait!”  
“Who was he even?”  
Todd blinked and sighed.  
“His name’s Xander, I met him at the beginning of the summer. We went out a couple of time, but Charlie couldn’t stand him, for good reasons, so I broke it off. That’s all it was, but it didn’t end well so he’s not exactly someone I like to see again.”  
“What about me?”  
“What?”  
“Do you like seeing me again?”  
Todd frowned.  
“Neil, I’m so happy to see again. That’s not- “  
“Then I don’t get it!” Neil cut off, breaking. “Why would you try to be with someone else when you already found me?”

Neil had trouble understanding this. He hates the idea of Todd with anyone else as much as he hates the idea of him with anyone else. It made him mad.

“You weren’t even there, I- “  
“Oh, so it’s my fault for leaving?! It wasn’t even my choice!”  
“Of course not, I would never even think that!”  
“Then what? You just gave up on us? On what we had together, what we are?”  
“That’s not fair! You have no idea what happened after that night!” Todd was just as angry now, his voice stronger than usual.  
The two stared at each other, both hiding hurt behind their anger and Todd was the first to look away, breathing slowly.

“Neil is your soulmate mark faded?” he asked more quietly.  
“Yeah,” Neil answered rubbing at the band over the mark. “Why?”  
“I’m guessing you don’t know what it means.”   
“You do?”  
Todd nodded,  
“The libraries at Colombia have books about everything, you know. There’s a lot of classic literature, philosophy, history, but the first thing I looked for there were book about soulmates and the marks. And I found out a faded mark is not as rare as you might think, but it’s not talked about as much because the soulmates who have it the most are gay, like us. Anyways, the marks are supposed to reflect the bond. Which means that if the mark is faded, so is the bond.”   
“So, what does it mean?”  
“It means the bond is ruptured and we are not meant to be happy with each other. At least that’s what I thought… In the stories, it always ends in tragedy. It might not be like this after all, but reading what I found I just assumed…”  
Todd drifted, going silent as everything he said finally hit Neil like a punch in the guts.  
“Oh.” Neil let out; his anger gone.  
There had been no reason for Todd to wait for him, nothing to make him think they would ever be together again, and he would have only hurt himself by doing so.

“But I am here now.” Neil pondered walking closer to him.  
“You are…” Todd agreed, his face unreadable.  
“And…” As the reality of everything continued sinking in, Neil got numb and he considered a terrifying possibility. “You’ve found someone else?”  
His voice broke at the last word, he needed everything to disappear before it crushed him more.

“No.” Todd’s eyes were honest and beautiful in the city lights, eyes he couldn’t help admiring as he breathed from a small rush wave of relieve.  
“Neil, you’re the only person I’ve ever loved this way.”  
These words replayed in Neil’s mind for a bit, something about them felt new but familiar and it took him a second to understand why.  
“We never said that.” Neil realized.   
“We never said ‘I love you’ to each other… Did we?”  
“No.” Todd mumbled biting his lip. “We didn’t talk about our feelings that much.”

Neil took Todd’s wrist, he wanted to make sure the other boy wouldn’t run away before he said this to him.

“But I did. I loved you Todd.”  
He didn’t expect any answer, but his old soulmate stared at him with glossy eyes and said it.

“I loved you too.”  
The blue eyed stepped back a little, his wrist pulling away from Neil.

“Maybe too much.”  
“What’s that supposed to mean?”  
“I’m sorry, I don’t… I can’t let you- It’s too painful.”  
Todd stammered before running away.

Leaving Neil alone in the streets of New York, feeling not only his heart, but his entire being, breaking into hundred shards of glass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel I should maybe apologize for this...

**Author's Note:**

> Anyway follow me on twitter if you want to see more of my awkward, sometimes annoying self... <3  
>  @aheckofamess


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